


Magical Sex Ed

by WinterSolstice778



Series: Magical Sex Ed [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Sex Education, brief mentions of fantasy racism, im an american trying to write british
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-06
Updated: 2018-06-06
Packaged: 2019-05-19 01:36:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14864159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WinterSolstice778/pseuds/WinterSolstice778
Summary: Ever imagine how Hogwarts deals with horny teenagers? No, but still curious. Embark on this episodic journey on how I, the author, views Hogwarts and sex.





	Magical Sex Ed

**Author's Note:**

> I'm a new fanfiction writer and will be using this little series as a way to polish my writing skills. Feel free to give me constructive criticism and advice. If you have a prompt or idea for this that you will like to see comment it and I will see if I use it. I will credit you for the idea at the end.

                                                  **Magical Sex Ed**

     Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry must be the most insufferable school of magic in existence. Lee thought as they listened to their Head of House lecturing all the fifth years in the common room. It seems that their Head is still annoyed over the loss of that Quidditch match a fortnight ago than is reasonable for any grown man to be.

    Lee glanced over at their friend Sue and saw that she was sleeping. Of course, no one who didn’t know her would notice since she learned to sleep with her eyes opened. The weirdo.

Lee stretched their arms back and promptly smacked Sue upside the head.

“No, Lee! Don’t stick it there!” startled Sue wide-eyed.

Oh, that didn’t come out right at all. The common room went dead silent. The Head of House promptly stopped whatever he was saying that was so drastically important to gather all the fifth years at such an ungodly hour.

You could practically taste the tension as everyone waited for someone to break it. Lee side eyed Sue and was completely impressed with how red she was gradually turning. She could make the Weasleys’ run for their money. Err, that was not a poor joke. Lee frowned trying to find a better metaphor for Sue’s face. Maybe something in comparison with hair.

“Ms Kimberly, I assume that outburst of yours was imperative to interrupt me as I was about to announce important news to you all.” Their Head said silkily.

Sue coughed slightly before sitting up straighter, “No, sir. I apologize sir.”

The Head of House expression looked even more surly than usual, which is an impressive feat in of itself, what with the probability of the Head to practice scowling in the mirror.

“Very well, Kimberly. I don’t need to reiterate that I not only expect distinguished behaviour, I require it,” The Head pause for dramatic effect, “For a lapse in judgement, no matter how harmless, can cause ill outcomes,” another pause, “Ms Kimberly will, therefore, be by my side in the next coming weeks to assist me in special lessons the Ministry has required me to teach,” another dramatic pause for drama sakes.

    “The Ministry has decided that in the interest of student health, all fifth years are required to take a mandatory sex education class taught by their Head of House. The class is once a week and will begin on the seventh of October and last until the third of November. Failure to attend class will result in fifty house points to be deducted and a five and a half foot essay on the topic they missed. The essay will be handed in at the beginning of the next class.”  After their Head finished, every fifth year collectively stopped breathing.

    Now you all probably wondering and or guessed as to who and what house this is happening in. But for the sake of The Plot™ we will pretend you don’t.

Now listening to a teacher teaching about sex is awkward for nearly every teenager. Listening to Snape teach about sex is the stuff of nightmares. Now Lee likes to think that they have a good sex-positive attitude and is very vocal about the benefits of sex ed. However, even Lee is cringing at the thought of having to listen to Snape talk about sex.   

Without any further information needed, Snape swept out the dungeons leaving behind his traumatized fifth years to sort themselves out. A rare act when it comes to how Snape treats the Slytherins. This kind of behaviour is usually saved for Gryffindors or crying Hufflepuffs.  

Lee turned to Sue to talk about this development in a calm manner while trying to push back the Slytherin anxiety that was slowly rising in scale. Lee was actually startled to see Sue so pale that for a moment they thought she died and became a ghost.

“Um, Sue,” Lee began wearily.   

Sue turned wide-eyed to Lee and screamed, “I HAVE TO FUCKING BE MR BATTY-MCBATTERSON’S SEX ASSISTANT.”   

Lee cringed, forgetting that little detail after hearing Snape say sex in a sentence.  

With Sue shrieking away the silence like a pasty short banshee, the Slytherins begin their collective complaining. Lee grimaced in the room while trying to sooth a hyperventilating Sue.

“I for one am glad that Professor Snape is the one teaching the class. Imagine it being Dumbledore.” One Snotty Slytherin said in the most poshish of voices that it had to be fake. And no, it wasn’t Draco Malfoy.

This was Malfoy.

“I can’t believe that this school is allowing such a distasteful subject. Though, I shouldn't really be surprised. My Father said that it was only a matter time before this school went to perverts since that old croon became Headmaster.”

OK, ouch, but hardly surprising. What was surprising, Lee reflected, was that Harry Potter wasn’t mentioned…

“This has to be stupid Potter’s fault. I heard from Flint that he heard from his girlfriend that Potter was caught shagging that Mudblood.”

Nevermind.

   Other than the rampant racism with a touch of homophobia (at least Lee is thinking that pervert comment was about being gay) they are surprised by the more general willingness of some of the students to take this seriously.

    “I wonder if they’ll have us measure our junk,” someone snorted like a donkey high on peyote.

    Lee closed their eyes in despair at teenagers while ignoring the irony of being one. Sue, meanwhile, recovered from the slight mental breakdown and was on the ignoring her feelings stage.

    “This must be a dream come true for you Lee,” she said while playfully elbowing them in the ribs.

“Ecstatic, just what I wanted. Someone with no medical training teaching us not stick dicks in vaginas or we all die.” Lee said blandly.

    Sue chuckled, “Not all of us has a gynecologist as a parent.”

  Lee shrugged unrepentantly. His mum was all for answering questions truthfully whenever Lee asked a question. At five when asked where babies come from she had a chart with pictures and diagrams all made out. At seven when asked why couldn’t Lee wear that pink Disney dress they saw little Amy wear, their Mum dragged them to the store and bought all the dresses they wanted.

       “I don’t have much hope for this class but maybe it won’t be a complete disaster,” they said.

    Sue hummed.

“I wonder when Malfoy will admit his hard-on for Potter,” she said randomly.

Lee opened their eyes to blink owlishly at her. Sue has no concept of quietness or discretion or really anything about the concept of not talking about something loudly that shouldn’t be discussed in a room full fifth year Slytherins.

Lee glanced over and noticed that Malfoy was either having a seizure or his face has decided to combust. Though it does seem that Sue has granted everyone's wish and found the key to mute a Malfoy. Crabb and Goyle just look confused. Granted that is their primary facial response.

With that being the single to leave before higher cognitive functions return, the remaining fifth years high tailed to their dormitories. Lee followed Sue to the girl's dorm.

“You did that on purpose didn’t you?” asked Lee.

Sue just gave Lee a smug smile before turning in.


End file.
